| three fingers |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|12:42 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | autolux - 'future perfect' | ] |
at 5:32 in the morning, the light is hardly adequate for the mad dash dillon and michael were currently engaged in. they turned the southern corner and resumed the sprint. looking over his shoulder the way he was, there was no way dillon was at all prepared for the huge boulder barring all vehicular traffic, let alone one hundred and fifty four pounds of human flesh and molded aluminum.
more scared than the time they tried to invoke the candy man by saying his name ten times into a mirror with the lights off, both boys hurled themselves on their bikes through the thick darkness. with a sickening smack of wet noodles, a clash of metal and the startled grunt of agony, michael skidded to a stop in the rough sand.
'dillon'?
'dillon'?
retracing his route, michael hears dillon's labored breathing.
'dillon'!
'are you okay'? michael asks, drawing to his side.
'what the fuck do you think?' snarls dillon.
looking to his left, michael finally notices the boulder six inches away, and begins to understand the situation a little better.
trying to help him up, michael urges, 'we have to get out of here, can you ride'?
'fuck off', dillon intones understandably enough.
'we got to go' michael insists, heaving dillon on his shoulder, with a righteous howl of disagreement on dillon's end.
'shut up, he'll hear us. i think we lost him, but that mother fucker is pissed. he's not giving up yet.' michael reminds dillon.
'put me down, asshole.'
dropping him back into the gravel, michael lets out a chuckle looking down at him.
'i can't believe her dad walked in when you were doing that to her. i thought we were dead.'
just then, both their heads snap back at the sound of screeching tires of the dad's trans-am, whipping around the corner, almost too close for him not to see us, michael worried.
dillon jumped up, and grabbing his bike, leads the way in a sudden burst of adrenaline, brought on by his surely impending death by one outraged father.
michael scrambles to match his speed, new injuries or not, and follows him towards a field both of them know well from multiple escapes of numerous other situations.
this particular field offered a loop-around courtesy of a fence inside a fence no adult would ever take the time to discover, but was perfectly visible from the elementary school yard they had spent a good part of their childhood together on. turning the corner, the headlights of their fate lit their backs, and their way.
hanging a right, they both applied their brakes at exactly the same time, sliding themselves around, barely losing any speed at all. it was a move they had practiced often just in case any situations ever arose. which they did.
again shrouded in semi-darkness, the boys turned another right into the field. riding over rocks and bushes, they hurried to their spot. hunching down under the vine growing off the home-owner's fence who so graciously offered their hiding place / look-out, michael and dillon spotted the angry black car roaring past, and heard it screech around the corner, just like everyone they escaped from did, and turning around, behind them, the headlights raced off down the hill, on another chase which had already ended. |
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| new book list for the new year |
[Sep. 10th, 2004|04:09 pm] |
if it were up to me, new years day would be celebrated on september 1st. i love autumn, but that's not the reason. it just seems to make more sense to me to end the year in summer than with winter. anyways. i want to read 10 more books this year than i did last year. if i thought i didn't have much of a life before, it should be even less now. i have been on this stupid computer or reading since 9 this morning. way to go loser. i don't think i will be changing the format much except my rating system will be based on a scale of 10, being the highest. i love just about everybook as soon as i am done with it so i am kind of a biased judge. but it's what i love to do.
booklist begins here:
september
1. the image of th e beast - philip jose farmer - 6/10
2. nine princes in amber - roger zelazny - 7/10µ |
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| 2003 booklist |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|04:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | quiet please | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the tom leykis show on kbzz 1270 a.m. | ] |
i wanted to see two things. one, if i could do something for a year. b, some vain part of my ego wants instant recall of all books read, and when. just stoking it a little. your comments or good (i decide) suggestions are helpful.
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that's it. time is up. place your bookmarks. tally your points so you can brag to your friends. i read a few good books this year. a few great ones. thinking back to when i started it brings back some rather forgotten memories. i was in santa cruz. tiny ass apartment. too many bills. broken heart. i think i snapped sometime around this week, last year. maybe next. who cares. i think i am doing a little better. i am in reno. a little less tiny apartment. too many bills. broken heart. somethings may never change. but i am happy. at least not having a breakdown. and i have a good job. so things are looking better. here you go.
(-) = current book
_ = books i have re-read
*** = how much i enjoyed the book (***** being the best)
(?m.w.) = question my worthiness of being able to judge this work because of its vast greatness.
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september
i. the double - fyodor dostoevsky ***
ii. franny and zooey - j.d. salinger ****
iii. raise high the roof beams carpenters / seymour - j.d. salinger **** 1/2
iv. nine stories - j.d. salinger **** 1/2
v. the drifters - james michener *** 1/2
vi.godbody - theodore sturgeon (?m.w.)******
vii. catch - 22 - joseph heller ****
october
viii. catcher in the rye - j.d. salinger ***
ix. a wrinkle in time - madeliene l'engle * 1/2
x. dead souls - nicolai gogol ***
xi. harry potter : order of the phoenix - that crazy bitch rowling *** 1/2
november
xii. science fiction showcase short story collection edited by mary kornbluth. **
xiii. the best science fiction of 1972 - short story collection edited by terry carr ** 1/2
(november was a very slow reading month)
december
xiv. jitterbug perfume - tom robbins **
(another slow reading month, but i did relocate to hawaii, so cut me some slack. i am hoping to get back int o my book-a-week routine.)
january
xv. choke - chuck palahniuk ****
xvi. the prophet - kahlil gibran (?m.w.)******
xvii. the left hand of darkness - ursula k. leguin *****
xviii. nueromancer - william s. gibson (?m.w.)******
xix. venus on the half-shell - kilgore trout (philip jose farmer)*****
february
xx. the forerunner - kahlil gibran (?m.w.)******
xxi. the caterpillar's question - piers anthony and philip jose farmer *** 1/2
xxii. microcosmic god - complete short stories of theodore sturgeon volume ii. - theodore sturgeon, (edited by paul williams) ***
xxiii. more than human - theodore sturgeon *****(*)
xxiv. notes from underground - fyodor dostoevsky ****
xxv. screwtape letters and screw tape proposes a toast - c.s. lewis ****
march
xxvi. a game of thrones - "a song of ice and fire" series, george r.r. martin **
xxvii. a clash of kings - "a song of ice and fire" series, george r.r. martin **
april
xxviii. the food of the gods - h.g. wells ****
xxix. inside*outside</a> - philip jose farmer ****
xxx. do androids dream of electric sheep?</a> - philip k. dick ****
xxxi. tuesdays with morrie - mitch albom *
may
xxxii. life of pi - yann martel *****
xxxiii. down and out in paris and london - george orwell *****
xxxiv. ringworld - larry niven ****
june
xxxv. one hundred years of solitude - gabriel garcia marquez *****
xxxvi. the name of the rose - umberto eco ****
july
xxxvii. slapstick - kurt vonnegut ***1/2
xxxiii. the secret gospel of thomas - elaine pagels **
xxxix. bon voyage mr. presiden t - gabriel garcia marquez ****
xxxx. the farside gallery - gary larson ***
august
xxxxi. the acts of king arthur and his noble knights - john steinbeck *1/2
xxxxii. the curious incident of the dog in the night-ti me - mark haddon ****1/2
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2004|08:26 pm] |
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my laptop is working again... |
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| i am your scene... |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|03:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | common - one day it will all make sense | ] |
well, last night i had to re-learn a few lessons. do not go to clubs. do not hang out with indie kids. do not interact socially with anyone. how many times do i have to go through some sort of altercation to just have a good time. i went to this silly "bar" to watch a show. fortunately both bands were really good, or at least fun to listen to. the crowds however seem to be lacking. i was just having a good ol' time in front of the stage. getting knocked around, giving back, and just losing myself for an hour or so. in between one of the songs, i can't say how close to the end of the show we were cause i was forcefully ejected. again. for nothing. some dude with ratty hair got bumped in the nose. i got slammed into him, and told him he was bleeding. it was in between songs so i didn't have to yell that loud. but i asked if he was okay. well his drunk ass didn't know he was bleeding, he wipes his nose and then in less than two minutes comes back up to me and punched me in the chest. i asked him what he thought he was doing, then grabbed his throat. in retrospect i guess i see why i could have been removed for that. but he had it coming, anyways the bouncer thinks he's right and takes me outside. luckily, the very beautiful bartenders came to my aid. not for any personal feelings for me i am sure, but with a sense of party justice or something. they had seen the whole thing, and as i had suspected i wasn't the guy who punched the dude in the face. the three of them convinced the bartender he had the wrong guy, and i have to give it to him, he listened to them against his better judgment. anyways, i get back in, watch a song or two, when shit locks gets back up in my face, tells me to get my friends cause we are going outside. seeing as how i do not have one friend in the club, i decide to go by myself. of course a few people walk outside, now i am supposed to like fight or something to entertain these goons, who are not satisfied with a violent show going on inside. well this dude is seriously asking me to kick his ass, and i am seriously trying to talk him out of it. i grew up fighting, and kind of get off on it. however, the consequences are too stiff to deal with at this age. as a kid, you weren't that strong, and way more flexible. healing didn't hurt as bad. i don't have insurance either, my point is i had better things to do than fight this kid for the wrong reasons. the main one seeming to be to give the people something to watch and talk about. luckily we came to terms and didn't trade blows. i went home, and then got made fun of for not fighting someone up in my face. a few years ago, i would have gone home bloody. today, i think i have grown. maybe that's just me trying to justify this feeling in my stomach that i pussed out. maybe it's a feeling of missing out on some notoriety and status. but i am trying to avoid all that for my own personal reasons. so, lesson learned. stay a hobbit. |
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| i thought i was trying harder than this... |
[Jul. 18th, 2004|10:33 am] |
I AM 54% ASSHOLE/BITCH!  I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em. |
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| the good life - lovers need lawyers |
[Jun. 18th, 2004|03:50 pm] |
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if anyone cares, i haven't died but am in the process of getting my own place together. my dsl is up and running but the cord to my laptop got fried, so trying to get a nearly obsolite cord is a lot harder than i initially thought. i'll be back killing time soon. |
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| sunday funeral |
[May. 4th, 2004|02:23 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | loretta lynn - miss being mrs. | ] |
as i bury my memories of you, so too will i bury my love. emotional darkness is the only cure that will save my soul. knowing that you are around will break my will, as it has my heart. to mend one and save the other, i must lay you down, walk away, and mourn. mourn what we lost. mourn what we never achieved. say goodbye to the children i already hold so dear to my heart, and the woman who has stolen it. flush my memories, and forget we ever did anything together, anywhere. say goodbye to dreams that could never have been true. and hello to myself. the only person that hasn't hurt me on purpose. to stay strong, i will write down why exactly i am trying to be strong. never again will i fall back to you for pain and misery that i thrive on. why make it fresh when memories keep on giving? why make you happy by my tears? you may not, but i like who i am. that's all i need. not this. not you. not us. we never happened. |
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| calculated proof... |
[Apr. 25th, 2004|04:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | blanche - garbage picker | ] |
it would have meant the world to me. now it's all the proof i need to destroy these teenage dreams i associated with myself. the push desired to bump me off track. the one track. weak willed routine set. my choices are not my own. only what i think you want them to be. you give me the reasons to move on. i disregard and justify your wrongs inflicted. a classic tale authors have often depicted. the pain you gave me has made me an artist. i mastered the medium and now know that happiness stems from moments like this. heights seem higher from the bottom of a dip. depths so deep when soaring elation's peaks. it seems my uphill trudges only bring me to valleys, where my despair multiplies, like stinging flies intent on breeding in my eyes. only left with hope, until even that dies... |
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| with love... |
[Apr. 23rd, 2004|07:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | sage francis - climb trees | ] |
today was such a beautiful day. it should have been spent with you. sharing time, holding hands. laughing at nothing, happy for its sake. i smelled nature's new growth and was reminded of you. of spring's past and the ones we may share tomorrow. nastolgic for something that has yet to happen. birds are singing their duets with love. mine is now a soliloquy, yet still spoken lovingly. unfortunatly too often taken for the truth. skewing perceptions to fit pre-conceived notions. convincing myself opinions carry more weight than ideas, but only one creates. only one matters. each step i take feels like walking in music, that i want to sing with you. for you. about you. for music is absorbed. gained. improving you. not that you need it. you just want it. i'm smoking away my loneliness, blowing clouds in the shape of you. i walk right through in my advances for hugs. hollowness is left behind in the shape of us, where there once was proof of what love hides and reveals, the simple truth... |
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| moving |
[Apr. 21st, 2004|12:14 am] |
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i am going to be moving my more journalish entries over to a new journal at gilt_bound, while maintaining self_doubt as a more creative area. no reason really, just want some of my writings seperate from my thoughts. really only doing it for myself so i have something to do to distract my days...it may take awhile, and proably won't even be worth it, but it is something to do... |
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| spring... |
[Apr. 20th, 2004|10:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | damien rice - the blower's daughter | ] |
i spontaniously wrote this for a beautiful woman who turned out to be a milf. the girl she was with turned out to be her daughter, of the bonable age. the mom looked younger. unfortunatly some asswipe disturbed me before i got the chance to give it to her, and she walked out the door and probably out of my life forever...it's better this way...this poem means nothing, it just amazes me the muses you can find, if you look...
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it's been so long since my breath was stolen away it seems i had forgotten to breathe. like a fresh breeze, you floated through. clearing everything from its shade of blue. there's still a lot that i want to do, one of which now, is meeting you. thanks. i had lost interest in anyone new. i've doubted emotions and been hurt by the truth. today, from you, i recieved proof that i could still find shelter under love's roof...
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and that's as far as i got because the reciept ran out of room, she left, and well, let's face it, is it even worth it? |
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| thrift store master!!! |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|10:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | junior wells / buddy guy / otis span - stop breaking down | ] |
dude, today at wizdom thrift store for cancer, i bagged the ultimate score. wandering around, looking for any distraction to keep me from ranting soliloquies in my head about what i think about anything in general, i chance to run across a pristine, seriously mint condition panasonic fully automatic turntable. now i am not just talking, oh push a lever and the thing plays. of course it does that. this is a panasonic fully automatic turntable, model # rd-7673d. i can't find any mention of it on ebay, google, or panasonic. of course no manual, but it seemed fairly easy to operate. you put on whatever records (notice the s) you want to listen to, pull the steadying arm over to steady the stack, and then push the lever. you can sit back and watch record after record fall onto the table, without having to interrupt your reading or cooking or whatever, and marvel at a technological wonder from around the 70's i'm guessing. it is beautiful. housed in a small wooden cabinet with a smoke covered dome lid. it appears to me to be kind of going for a deco-ish look. it is thinner than a 12" and just a bit longer. the tone and steady arm both curve to accomadate a standard sized record while also adding a touch of elegance. the needle is encased in a slim, sleek aluminum hold, while the deck the record rests on is minimally larger than a 45. a 12" hangs over about 2" in the front, back and left sides of the cabinet. the actual playing unit itself is solid black, with the box looking like it was built around the player. i must admit, i am stoked about this record player. i plugged it in at the store, grabbed a record off the shelf, and set to work figuring out how it worked. it wasn't until i returned home, found a letter with a wonderful little surprise in it from my surprisingly wonderful girlfriend, pilar, ate, went back to the thrift store, brought it home and stacked three records on it, that i discovered just what a marvel i had recieved. it works perfectly, i plugged it into my buddy's stereo, and watched it do its thing. i need to buy a new needle, but am having a hard time tracking one down. maybe panasonic will help me out. overall great day. oh yeah. it was half-off day, so it only cost me nine dollars. silly.
follow up on request for information
another follow up |
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| how many times must it be said |
[Mar. 16th, 2004|01:56 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | brother ali - shadows on the sun | ] |
.i am sorry. sorry you had to get involved with me and my problems. sorry
i lured you too deep into my life to just walk away. sorry for the hurts. sorry for the burdens you still hold. sorry i took you away from your home. i only wanted to help you grow. i thought it would be a good thing. the only growing we did was apart. and of our emotional threshold for pain. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2004|04:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | beck with jack white - cold brains | ] |
i stopped off at a park to read and drink some water. i sat by the lake and in the shade. moms were running around, the single ones very noticeably being noticeable. my book diverted my perverted thoughts, until a duck next to me lay claim to his rights, as a mallard. he jumped onto her back, forcing her down and bringing out a quack, perhaps meaning "what the quack." as he is mounting her, the love begins. kissing her with cracks to the back of her head, and biting her feathers in the most unreachable of places for her, our hero begins his passionate minute of coitus. with a resounding quack, a couple quick smacks, webbed-feet well planted into her, he ravages her for all he is worth. one more bite to her neck, holding it now, he finishes, she shrieks, and our hero dismounts with another gallant hop. she gets up and starts to follow him. he has already forgotten her, still engorged, yet satisfied. for now. immediately his friend flies in, and the two take off. she watches him depart with a half-hearted quack, perhaps meaning good bye. he never even heard her... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2004|03:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | susan vega - tom's diner | ] |
options piling up at my feet. enough grouped together equals a step. take it. wait for the accumulation. again. even picking up one would turn this staircase into an escalator, i still refuse to bend. you just stand on an escalator anyways. it does all the work. very american. gods damn it. what is wrong with me. i go to crowds to stand apart from them. if i introduce myself it is only because i never want to know you. i have found that is the best way. how well do you know the person next to you. it is much easier to trust people you never met. nothing expected, nothing returned. no faults to bare, no grudge may linger. i like you, people i do not know. you are so much easier to get along with. plus i will never miss you. |
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| finally |
[Feb. 28th, 2004|02:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | teen idles - let's make noise in the backroom | ] |
last night reaffirmed my faith in music. i saw two really good bands. well, maybe they weren't great but their energy was and the music was original (in the standard way) at least. (upon rereading this i need to say it was a great show) i have been wandering lost lately through new music, mostly ignoring and looking into other interests. the Blues have been taking up a lot of my time, the history and influence of the early players, especially, is incredible. i am not even going to get into the legendary guitar players in this, maybe another time. then i kinda ran across a couple few "underground" hip-hop acts and/or vocalists. i kind of have to laugh, because if i am running across them, non-listener of hip-hop for a good few years, since gangsta rap then a brief stint with hiero but not too much in the way of underground, how "underground" can they really be. anyways, anti-con has some sick shit out right now, sage francis being one of my favorites right now. saul williams distracted boredom many times. amethyst rockstar is great. the grouch and josh martinez stoked me out too. but in my favorite music i have found nothing for so long. seeing starlight desperation, and gross gang gave me an unexpected treat last night. they may or may not be good bands, i don't know things like that right away, but they show promise, and tons of it. more importantly, however they resparked interest in something i was nearly willing to give up on. the usual people to be expected were there, but dispersed among them, in a greater ratio than i have been around before, were people who didn't seem to necessarily seem to care if anybody even noticed they were there. i couldn't believe it. maybe people are actually becoming comfortable with themselves, or maybe just myself, and it helped shield my negative outlook. it was good. i needed that. like a good hot shower after a good hard fuck. only no one got hurt. godbody seemed to have a good time though both of us are having trouble putting things together chronologically, thanks to a couple bottles of tott's brut. also responsible for the meanest case of dehydration in a while. need to cut down on the coffee. |
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self_doubt's journal